Akatsuki: Against the Wall
by echosdusk
Summary: A new little series to coincide with my Akatsuki fan-fiction. This is where you can ask them all any questions you like and expect some odd answers.
1. Chapter 1

Akatsuki: Against the Wall

**Akatsuki: Against the Wall**

Episode one 

**Narrator:** Hey there everyone, I'm echosdusk and I'm going to give you all the chance to ask the Akatsuki any questions you want, be them rude, general, hilarious, or simply odd ones gained through curiosity. This first episode features all members of the Akatsuki and a series of 10 questions addressed to them. The questions today have been asked by my siblings, two of which write on fan-fiction too, a friend of mine from college, and myself. Unfortunately, due to Hidan's unfortunate "terets" he will not be appearing, and he's kind of literally tied-up…..

**Pein:** Can we get this done already?

**Narrator:** Patience boss, this broom in my hands has the ability to knock you out! Anyway folks, if you want to ask a question, next time we're doing a one on one with Itachi, and you can just send me a message or question in a review, whatever you like!

**Question One:** Zetsu – How the heck did you come to life?

**Zetsu:** (_Looking slightly bemused and at the same time slightly hungry though the brush of the broom jabs into his face a little_) Yes, well, you understand the expression "Tree-Hugger", well take that to a whole new level and you get the idea of my creation. People, when a plant is pollinating please don't poke it! Odd things happen!

**Question Two:** Deidara, do you ever brush the teeth in your hands?

**Deidara: **Of course I do! What kind of question is that? Though I must admit getting the clay out of the gaps can be really difficult!

**Question Three:** Kisame do you use a particular brand of toothpaste for your shining whites?

**Kisame:** I use Colgate of course! (_Grins and teeth sparkle_)

**Question Four:** Sasori – Do you like Pinocchio?

**Sasori: **(_His eyes are slightly narrowed and his facial expression rather blank_) If it weren't for the other use of that bleeding song in references to me, by my fans (_Winks suggestively at camera_) I would probably quite enjoy the Disney film, after-all I do like "The Fox and the Hound"….

**Itachi: **You're a wussy! I bet you cry when Todd's mum dies at the start! (_Continuous laughter_)

**Sasori:** How would you know if you haven't seen the film yourself? (_Itachi is silent now and looking dejected_) Anyway, it's the same with Metallica.

**Question Five:** Konan, who would you date out of the other members?

**Konan:** Uhh… (_Looks up to the sky in thought, or perhaps just allowing her imagination to wander_) Maybe Pein, but then again it might seem a little too much like dating a brother.

**Pein:** What?

**Konan:** I would definitely do Itachi, in varying places if I could get the time alone with him! I don't care where or in what way, Itachi's good-looking!

**Itachi:** (_Has nose-bleed_) Really?

**Konan:** Yes, well I am a sex-addict aren't I? Sasori would be interesting too; especially if the puppet parts of him increase is flexibility!

**Sasori: **You wish….

**Konan:** Maybe Deidara, I've always wondered what it would be like getting with a girly-boy!

**Deidara:** (_Has fainted and is being poked by Tobi_) Not…. Girl….

**Konan:** And Hidan's not too bad, and Kakuzu maybe! (_Kakuzu has attempted to run with narrator's wallet but has been pinned to wall with broom, he's shuddering with disgust_)

**Random Voice:** Not unless you convert!

**Question Six:** I take it that Hidan is around somewhere, either that or Jashin's yelling at her. Anyway, to all of you, have you ever considered an overall Theme Tune?

**Zetsu:** I've always assumed that Clint Mansell's "Requiem for a Dream" was our one…

**Tobi:** No it's "Be Prepared"!

**Pein:** No Tobi, that's the Lion King, and for mentioning that I might be attacked by a mouse with a flick-knife! Anyway we….

**Konan:** POISON! You know, by Alice Cooper, that's a good one and it sounds slightly sexy too!

**Sasori:** That one's been used on me before, never knew the concept of it because I'm not female! But I don't mind as long as it's not "Master of Puppets!"

**Kisame:** We should have a cool one, like a Papa Roach one!

**Itachi:** No, something melodic and menacing, like "Deceiver of Fools" by Within Temptation, that starts off slow and becomes a rock song, like us!

**Deidara:** Within Temptation suck!

**Kakuzu:** Take that back! (_Fighting begins_)

**Voice:** Something about killing things!

**Pein:** Look, we don't have one mainly because we haven't had a proper sit-down over this, and our budget is tight, according to Kakuzu. Either way it would probably end up being something like "Night on Bald Mountain" or some other Classical stuff! Can we have the next question please; I don't want to argue about this!

**Question Seven:** Itachi, many fan-girls want to know if you are seeing anyone, currently?

**Itachi: **Maybe, and that's all they need to know (_Wiggles eyebrows suggestively_)

**Question Eight:** This one is written, ironically, "Dear Tobi, have you ever considered wearing a sweet sailor suit to fit with your 'good boy' image?"

**Tobi:** Only if Tobi's fans think it's a good idea! (_Blushes sweetly and twiddles thumbs expectantly_)

**Question Nine: **Pein, how do you put up with them all?

**Pein:** I have an excellent therapist, and he has a tendency not to over-charge when I send Hidan in to talk about his unfortunate childhood!

**Voice:** BAST….

**Narrator:** That's interesting, but we could have done without the beginnings of a rude word!

**Pein:** Indeed, but then it's his own fault!

**Question Ten:** Ok then, well lastly we has a special question for Deidara. The question is, do you ever, you know, with the hands mouths?

**Deidara: **(_Blinks curiously and then starts to blush_) Perhaps….

**Narrator: **Next time, we're going to talk to Itachi and I'm looking for some good questions to ask him!


	2. Chapter 2

ITACHI'S QUESTIONS

**ITACHI'S QUESTIONS **

**Narrator: **Hello again! I've been lucky enough to get questions quickly enough to be able to put Itachi's question time up! Plus someone had broken his DDR record, so he's been slightly depressive for a little while and therefore bored. I have him with me, and I have a large stick to poke him or defend myself. Ok, you ready for this Itachi?

**Itachi:** Bare in mind for this I'm going to torture you for 72 hours straight!

**Narrator:** Seriously, save that clap-trap for a fan-girl, anyway currently I've got Hidan in the position of "ma byatch!", so I'm pretty sure whatever you do won't bother me. So, you going to cooperate or do I have to get out the scissors and cut your precious hair?

**Itachi:** (_Grips hair tightly and snarls_) ALRIGHT!

**Narrator:** Nice and simple, we've got the basic questions to go through! One, Are you gay?

**Itachi:** (_Blank expression_) What?

**Narrator**: It says what it says…

**Itachi:** NO! My nickname isn't Dei is it? I was named Weasel for a reason you know! (_Winks toward prospective fan-girls_)

**Narrator:** You disgust me, anyway, the second question is: are you stuck up?

**Itachi**: I admit I have some pretty high standards, but I'm not above anyone, expect the Sasuke fan-girls! They sicken me, especially the ones into incest! Who am I, Orochimaru?

**Narrator:** Point noted. Question three: Have you ever gone out with Temari of the Sand siblings?

**Itachi:** Define, "Go-Out"?

**Narrator:** Been in a relationship of any branch or intimacy….

**Itachi:** Well, we used to go out a little, but it got too complicated when that fox-kid Naruto cured her brother's insanity! Then her wishes for sibling homicide started to dwindle. That and Kankuro used to appear quite randomly to torment us, and I'm still not sure how those pictures of us got all over the Internet…. (_Wanders off in thought_)

**Narrator:** Kankuro has a tendency to be a little "stupid" at times. Anyway, I have a random question here for you, "Are you a Woman?"

**Itachi:** (_Leans over toward paper in search of a name. Narrator refuses to release piece of paper!_) Whoever asked that needs to go to Japan and check out the men! We can't all look as Arian as Hidan you know!

**Narrator:** Are you slighting Hidan, you big stinky stoat? (_Randomly hits Itachi with a broom head, the weasel is not pleased._) Anyway, question five: Is it true you and Kisame have a secret hand-shake?

**Itachi:** Perhaps…. (_Looks around slightly panicked_) But it's only that wet fish's sentimental stuff! I never bought into the whole idea, it just crept me out, especially when I was told Deidara had one with Sasori!

**Narrator:** Ok, that's just a little creepy. Moving on and still keeping with this whole "Kisame sentimental thing", question six asks whether you would consider Kisame as a god-father to any offspring you may have?

**Itachi:** Hmmm… (_Holds knuckles to chin and then closes eyes in ponder-ment_) For the sake of our "friendship" I'd say yes. But in all honesty I don't think I'm designed for kids, and if I had some, they'd just have to cope with being kept secret. Not that I'm scared of intimacy though!

**Narrator:** (_Looks carefully at him and decides he's scared of intimacy_) Ok, question seven is from my buddy Kirsty, she asks if you'll ever give her back her pink bunny slippers?

**Itachi:** (_Confused look on face slowly sinking into shock_) Uhhh…. Which Kirsty is that? I know about twenty, and there's about eight of them that have bunny slippers….

**Narrator:** Right, well don't worry about that, but question eight asks if you have something against supposedly happy families. (_Glares sceptically at him_)

**Itachi:** No, no! Why would I? Just because I slaughtered mine because they told me they'd by me a puppy when I joined the ANBU, but noooo! Instead they had to spend the money on Sasuke's stupid hamster! Well I can now confess I drowned the little piddle-bag in that bottle of Vodka!

**Narrator:** (_Leaves Itachi for ten minutes to grab some tea and a muffin. Returns to find him still ranting and so settles down for a little while.) _Riiiight…. Anyway, question nine asks why did you leave Sasuke alive?

**Itachi:** I don't know! (_Falls onto his knees pulling at his hair!_) I wanted to see if you could really mentally scar a child that easily? But I didn't really expect him to want me dead! It was all a sort of prank!

**Narrator:** A really sick prank, but I'm just annoyed no one else has killed the little Emo yet! Anyway, question ten asks: how often do you wash your hair?

**Itachi:** Why, (_Strokes strands of hair and swings it around like in shampoo adverts_) Twice a week with Herbal Essences to make sure it keeps that fruity smell and delightful shine….

**Narrator:** Ok, I did not want a shampoo commercial; you want me to be sued? (_Itachi does not seem bothered by statement. Narrator prods him with sharp end of stick.)_ Alright then, question eleven: What makes you sick?

**Itachi:** My brother!

**Narrator:** Question twelve: what music do you like?

**Itachi:** I'm partial to anything, but the old dance beats, DDR stuff is great, Ayumi Hamasaki, Within Temptation, and Linkin Park: but only the old stuff, out of the new ones I only "What I've Done" is good. Plus I'm secretly quite partial to Madonna…

**Narrator:** You have some odd issues, anyway question thirteen: what happened to your eyes?

**Itachi:** It's a hereditary disfigurement. I use them too much! Plus I would have gone blind if I hadn't got my sharingan working originally!

**Narrator:** Poor thing, your partially disabled. Ok then, question fourteen is slightly deeper: How exactly was your childhood?

**Itachi:** Well, where's to start? My mother was always wonderful, but she always seemed to treat me like a baby too much, I mean she used to embarrass me like nothing on earth! But my father was different, he used to get drunk a lot, swear at mum, and say I was not even his kid! But then when "Sasuke" came along, everyone was like, "OOOOOHHHH" look at the little cutesy-ootsey baby boy who looks just like his dad and doesn't have wrinkles on his face! So, my childhood was crap, I had to earn my dad's respect through intense study!

**Narrator:** I see, ever randomly attacked?

**Itachi:** What?

**Narrator:** Question fifteen: Ever been randomly attacked?

**Itachi:** Yes actually, once by fan-girls that stole all my clothes so I had to use a genjutsu to stop anyone seeing me naked as I ran home. Plus one time I was freakily attacked by that Rock Lee thing calling me Sasuke! It took Zetsu running at him like a Pac-man monster making the sounds to get the creature to go away! Yeesh!

**Narrator:** Question sixteen: Can you allow "RockCrab" to be your super secret agent to get info on people?

**Itachi:** Hmmm…. Maybe, but that means you have to report to Kisame every time you get information, unless you bring me coffee and doughnuts. Doughnuts are always a welcomed treat, but to even get to my room in the Akatsuki place is a trail in itself. I mean, have you seen Konan when she has a phantom pregnancy?

**Narrator:** Fair enough, I suppose. Question Seventeen: RockCrab also wants to know how can she get her brother to stop bothering her without resorting to homicide?

**Itachi:** Yeah…… Not sure what you can do except perhaps threaten his most treasured possession or asking him if he's ever heard the sound of those castration clamps you use on farm animals!

**Narrator:** Question eighteen: RockCrab wants to know if you have ever considered leaving Akatsuki?

**Itachi:** Once or twice, but then Pein breaks down on his knees begging you to come back. When that happens it's so easy to manipulate him. But in all honesty, if it weren't for Tobi's overall creepiness, Hidan's wish for sacrifices, Kakuzu's stealing, Kisame's teeth, Zetsu's sneaking abilities, Deidara's explosions, and Sasori's random items of puppetry, I would have been killed by over-excited fan-girls. So staying with Akatsuki is keeping me alive.

**Narrator:** Question nineteen: Katherineyukicute wants to know, why do you have wrinkles on your face? Was it caused by some bad experience in your youth?

**Itachi:** My dad told me I got them because when I was born he hit me in the head with a frying pan. My mum says I inherited them from my grandfather. Kisame says they need ironing! But really they're from an incident involving the dimples in my face slowly joining together, I once considered putting piercings in them, until Pein showed me the infections he has in his facial piercings. That's why one of his bodies is swelled up in the face and looks like a pin-cushion!

**Narrator**: Good for you, anyway, last but not least… Question 20: A "Random Psychologist" wants to know if you have ever felt inadequate compared to your fellows?

**Itachi:** You know something? Psychologists suck! (_Gets up and stomps out with a few whines.)_

**Narrator:** Next week I'm going to un-pin Hidan from the Dart-board for your questions! I've already got eight questions for him, but that means I still need twelve to fill the quota! Anyone got a question for the sadistic and yet oddly religious individual?


	3. Chapter 3

Hidan Questions:

Hidan Questions

**Narrator**: Ok everyone, I managed to un-pin Hidan so that you can interrogate him today! So, you looking forward to this Hidan? (_Blinks at him repeatedly, though he doesn't seem at all to notice_)

**Hidan**: Is there something in your eye? Only if there is I'll remove it with my trusty scythe! See! Look you friggin' loon, I've just friggin' said two whole friggin' sentences without swearing!

**Narrator:** Yeah, should mention, when you swear in answering the questions, the word "friggin'" will appear in the text, this is a non-existent word that's just going to be used to represent the swear words, ok? And no, Hidan, they were short and simple questions so it doesn't count! Plus, I don't have something in my eye; I was just trying to encourage you to be good today!

**Hidan:** Good? What the friggin' hell is friggin' GOOD? I'm never friggin' Good, baby, I'm friggin' BAD!

**Narrator:** That include, "in bed"?

**Hidan:** Frig YOU!

**Narrator**: (_Lifts an eyebrow curiously at him and responds with a grin_) Maybe later…

**Hidan:** That won't happen; you're not willing to convert to my religion for me!

**Narrator:** Let's keep your religious rants at me for another time. Anyway, your first question comes from my brother Sithfirelord (_insert numbers here_). He asks quite simply: What was your day job as a teenager?

**Hidan:** (_Makes a funny face like his lips are being pulled to one side of his face and rolls his eyes in pondering_) I think it was just being the little kid in the ceremonies that had to give the ceremonial daggers to the high priests. You didn't' get paid for it though. I tried a paper-round once, but those friggin' idiots complained at me for swearing and smashing things! Plus I friggin' ran over some friggin' idiot's bleeding cat!

**Narrator:** Riiiight….. On to question two, just a general one here that lots of people want to know about, are you truly a Masochist?

**Hidan:** I can cope with you so I must be! But yeah, yeah, I am a friggin' masochist, I don't care about pain because it ain't friggin' gonna kill me is it? HAHA!

**Narrator:** (_Narrator's face looks un-amused by the joke._) Let's move on, three: do you have a Swear jar?

**Hidan:** What's that? (_He scratches his head curiously and lifts his scythe up to assist in the head scratching, blood starts pouring onto the floor.)_ Do you like, put swear words in there or something friggin' similar?

**Narrator:** No, it's a jar where you place money whenever you say bad words that you should not.

**Hidan:** I haven't, Kakuzu got me one and told me that he got the money each time I friggin' swore, but I took a vow of friggin' silence for a friggin' fortnight and friggin' out-foxed him. But then I friggin' kept swearing for two friggin' months after that!

**Narrator:** Ok then. Question four asks, what music do you like?

**Hidan:** KORN! At least, I think that's what they're called. I like other stuff too, but generally I'm supposed to stick to the Jashinist singing groups like "Evil Gods Love Swearing" and "Dun-Dun-Dun-Dumdy-Dum-Jashin-RULES", that band's name's supposed to sound like a funeral march. But my favourite song has to be "Kakuzu Sucks!" By friggin' yours truly! (_Suggestive eyebrow wriggling_)

**Narrator: **I haven't heard of those bands or even that song, but if you like them, then that's all we wanted to know. Now, here's a question bathed in religious curiosity: Does Jashin command Circumcision & Are you circumcised?

**Hidan:** (_Looks nervously from left to right, his hands slowly reaching down to cover himself, just in case anyone can see him_) You people are friggin' SICK!!

**Narrator:** Funnily enough the next question is what makes you sick, but are you going to tell us if you are snipped?

**Hidan:** Enough with the friggin' medical mumbo-jumbo frigger! I'm not but only because my friggin' daddy thought I'd friggin' kill him if he did. Trust me, I friggin' would too!

**Narrator:** And question six?

**Hidan:** Kakuzu and Rabid Fan-Girls!

**Narrator: **Question seven, due to your obvious swearing difficulties, people ask if you have ever considered a job in customer services?

**Hidan: **How'd you friggin' think I got the friggin' swearing problem in the first place?

**Narrator:** Very well, you've already been in that profession. Now, ever randomly attacked?

**Hidan:** (_Looks slightly un-amused by the question_) I'm friggin' immortal; it's the big excuse from everyone! I was once randomly friggin' sexually assaulted by a friggin' ostrich, but that's a friggin' story for another friggin' time. (_Looks amazingly proud with this information_)

**Narrator:** (_Big eyes and slightly terrified_) I won't ask. Now, ever Stripped to "Stripped" by Rammstein?

**Hidan:** (_Looks at Narrator as if very badly hurt_) You know I did! It was your friggin' Jashin-Day present! I've also friggin' done it for others too! Friggin' Kakuzu even friggin' filmed me doing that for extra friggin' cash! (_Starts to weep at the eyes and so is handed a tissue which he rubs against his nose_)

**Narrator:** You're supposed to be a really terrifying Ninja aren't you? (_Translation you're pathetic_) Anyway, Chelsea1337 wants to know if you have ever felt like worshipping another God called Kami?

**Hidan:** Frig Kami! Frig all other gods! Jashin is the one true frigger! Plus friggin' Kami sounds like it might be a girl, I don't like female gods!

**Narrator:** I won't comment on your views of feminism, but you're going back on the dart-board after this. She also has a question for all members of the Akatsuki, but you can be the first to answer it: How can she get respect from her younger sibling without brain-washing?

**Hidan:** Kill the frigger! Or threaten it, or sacrifice it to Jashin and instead be friggin' respected by a god!

**Narrator:** I think she didn't want to consider those options. But I understand you wouldn't really understand anything else. Anyway, question twelve and Rockcrab says that when Itachi insults you she gets random jabbing sensations, is that you?

**Hidan:** Maybe (_Coy look has emerged on his face alongside suggestive eye-brow wriggling_)

**Narrator:** Do you steal Babies? Did you Still Deidara's one? (_For those not sure of what I'm talking about, look for a video called "Glitch" on Gaarasamaslover's page on photobucket_.)

**Hidan:** Frig! I knew friggin' Deidara was a friggin' chick! But no, I don't friggin' recall it. But I've friggin' sacrificed and friggin' stolen friggin' babies before! Little friggers!

**Narrator:** Very personal this one, were your parents strict when they brought you up?

**Hidan:** Nope! Dad was a friggin' soft-touch and mum, well, we don't friggin' talk about her slightly friggin' warped-ness. She friggin' tried to drown me in a friggin' river to help assist me in becoming friggin' immortal! Like I was friggin' Achilles the friggin' jerk or something!

**Narrator:** Were they parents Jashinists too?

**Hidan:** Friggin' dad was! But women can't be friggin' Jashinists. You get a friggin' arranged marriage though! Hence why I friggin' became of Rouge Ninja, my friggin' wife was supposed to be a friggin' sweetheart that would continuously iron my friggin' shirts! Dumb female-dog!

**Narrator:** I see, I would ask another question linked to that but we're pressed for time. Question sixteen asks if you have ever fallen down an elevator shaft or had dangerous experiences with elevators?

**Hidan:** I can friggin' honestly say, yes! Damn friggers in Akatsuki strapped me to the bottom of a friggin' elevator and made it go friggin' up and friggin' down! I got friggin' smashed into pieces with a friggin' eyeball popping out and a friggin' finger being burnt by the friggin' electricity. Apparently it was my friggin' rights-of-friggin'-passage into the friggin' Akatsuki.

**Narrator:** (_Chuckles at the thought_) Would you ever consider doing commercials for Aero or Diet Coke?

**Hidan:** (_Looks thoughtful_) I friggin' tried for that friggin' Aero Chocolate one with the friggin' naked bloke telling you about the friggin' bubbles. But they told me I was too anatomically well-equipped to be able to be friggin' appropriate for day-time television. (_Winks and does strange thumbs-up thing toward the readers_.)

**Narrator:** Yes, I bet. Anyway we're almost done and once again we've got an odd one for you. Have you ever had weird dreams with a former Kage dancing with lollies and singing strange songs?

**Hidan:** Friggin' Kage? NO! Friggin Itachi as a lolly, yes, Kisame as a chocolate bar, friggin yes! Pein dancing in a pink fluffy friggin' Toto? YES!

**Narrator:** In reference to the incident in my halls earlier in the year when I was still at Writtle; question nineteen asks did you enjoy running around naked, singing, with a lampshade on your head alongside Itachi for a dare or what?

**Hidan:** Lampshades, no! That's just Pein and the weasel frigger! But I did dance to the friggin' Sailorsong naked, streaked around eight different friggin' campuses, and also have done the Schmutzle, and damn I'm friggin' good at it!

**Narrator:** Confess! You are a SIM!

**Hidan:** I love Sims 2, I made friggin' Kakuzu and kept friggin' killing him in inventive ways! And I'm friggin' quick at doing all the dance moves and such they do. Wanna friggin' see the Schmutzle?

**Narrator:** Not really but…

**Hidan:** Kaba Goonba Na! (_Hidan starts jumping up and down, seemingly to thrust at the air, spin in circles, and say strange things whilst dancing happily to the Sims 2 Schmutzle._)

**Narrator:** (_Looking slightly annoyed as time has run out!_) Don't worry, we're onto the very last question and they you can scoot off to live your life elsewhere. Question twenty, do you eat Jashin bars and drink Jashin Brand FRIGGIN' Ear Grey?

**Hidan:** Damn friggin' straight!

**Narrator:** (_Hidan still dances the Schmutzle enthusiastically around the room_) Ah, next week we've got Zetsu in the question seat, though we'll have to dress him as Hannibal Lector just so he doesn't kill me! BYE!

**Hidan:** Kaba Goonba Na!

**Narrator:** (_After hitting Hidan with a base-ball bat to shut him up.)_ P.S. to all Itachi fans, I'm not fond of him and he and I do not get along at all because I thought he should have killed Sasuke immediately! But I apologise if I sounded a little too mean to him.


End file.
